Trans what you will
Jul. 25th, 2025 07:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
Speaking of Ian McKellan's Twelfth Night, radiantfracture has a post up for an asynchronous watch party. I have a ticket, we're all watching, I'll probably be in the comments there.
Speaking of Ian McKellan's Twelfth Night, radiantfracture has a post up for an asynchronous watch party. I have a ticket, we're all watching, I'll probably be in the comments there.
Last song I listened to: "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence + the Machine is playing on the Doof right now. I love this song.
Favorite color: Green.
Currently watching: Literally currently watching the Doof. Otherwise, we've just finished Murderbot and I think the next thing up in the queue is the new series of Strange New Worlds.
Last movie: D and I went to see Superman over the weekend, it was fun and good.
Currently reading: I just got Angela Saini's Superior from the library.
Coffee or tea: This is biphobic! I like both! I tend to drink tea because I make a pot every morning for the household, the rest of which can't have coffee for one reason or another. But I grew up with coffee, it reminds me of my parents and grandparents and lots of nice things. Once a week or so I find myself really missing coffee so I make myself some. And I think if the situation was reversed and I lived with coffee drinkers, I don't know that I would miss tea in the same way.
Sweet/savory/spicy: This is also biphobic! They're all good and they go together well (like genders!). I suppose I'd have to say savory if I really had to pick one.
Relationship status: I love being my boyfriend's boyfriend.
Looking forward to: We have tickets to the livestream of Ian McKellan's trans production of Twelfth Night tomorrow night, Smithfest (Mr. Smith is angelofthenorth's cat, whose birthday is being celebrated on Saturday with a party here so we get to meet some of her friends), and Sunday D and I might go to Sheffield to see the Midsommars, the group I talked about here.
Current obsessions: The following is a baseball thing so don't worry if it makes no sense. The trade deadline. I'm gonna be so so fucking sad if the Twins trade Willi Castro. And I will not be okay at all if they trade Joe Ryan!
Last Googled: Good question! Personally, apparently all the stuff I linked to in yesterday's entry. But since then for work I googled some boring stuff about the e-scooter trials in England being extended another two years.
Last thing you ate and really enjoyed: Tagine and clafoutis. angelofthenorth cooked tonight. This is how I learned what clafoutis is -- though it felt like something I could've easily grown up with. I bet my mom would love it.
Currently working on: For work, still the first draft of that report. I had to chair an excruciating meeting today with a bunch of people who are basically waiting on me to do that so they can do tasks that depend on it. Personally...hm, just the usual: trying to go to the gym and read library books in a timely fashion. I think my new project is trying to pursue top surgery privately but it's so far stuck at a very early hurdle and this makes me tired and defeatist.
[0:00] Can we talk about that viral video of that young woman who got on here and was like, "Y'all, I'm really sorry that I voted for Trump. I'm really sorry that I was MAGA. I realize now that I was wrong"? This this video:
[0:12] [stitched video, white woman speaking to camera, with title "Official apology: I voted for Trump"]I voted for Trump and I'm sorry. I am uneducated. I grew up in, um, public school system. I believed anything a teacher and a principal told me, and I didn't question it. And I walked in a straight line and I didn't use critical thinking skills, okay? I didn't read Project 2025, I have a disabled child, I'm a single mom of three. I believed what he said in his campaigns and I fucked up. And I'm sorry, okay?I find the responses to that video on social media quite interesting, because on one hand you have folks who are like, I don't forgive you. And I understand that. People are angry. Trumpers did incredible damage to this country. Getting Trump and Elon Musk put in positions of power in the United States is killing millions of people, right? We know that just the cancellations to USAID are going to kill 14 million people according to a new piece out in the Lancet. Trump and Steven Miller are now freely enacting an ethnic cleansing in the United States. People have a right to be really, really angry about those things.
[1:21] I've also seen a lot of other creators who have my complexion [i.e. white -- S.] and most of them are women, who have said, "It's okay, girlfriend. We all make mistakes. We all have been hoodwinkedked in the past. Yeah, people in America are very much indoctrinated. And we forgive you. We forgive you."
[1:38] And I guess I, I disagree fundamentally with both of those takes. And here's why.
We need to give Trumpers a place to land as they are deconstructing. Maybe the Epstein files [...] [2:14] And so everybody's going to have– everybody who ends up walking away from MAGA is going to have the beginning of that journey. [...] Not everybody starts from the same baseline. I guarantee you for folks watching that woman, if you wanted to judge her, then you probably didn't start with the same level of intense indoctrination, you're probably not from the same kind of subculture that she's from. And you didn't start from the same place that she's starting at. Every journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. And you've got to give her space to take that step.
[3:02] So, I, I do want to give her all of the praise for getting online with her real face and doing something that's very hard to do. She was willing to swallow her pride in a culture where we very much center the self and we're not good at taking responsibility. We are not good at eating crow. We're not good at facing the music, right? She did that. [...] She deserves all the praise for that. I don't want to in any way minimize the work, the risk that she undertook in being willing to own it and being willing to say, "I was deeply wrong." Again, especially because we live in a culture where people taking accountability is not something that we are particularly good at or used to.
[4:04] And so I very much appreciate the other creators who are saying, "Come over here with us," – Right? – "I'll be a safe landing spot for you. It is never too late to admit that you were wrong."
But I also think when we're looking at MAGA, who has caused tremendous, tremendous harm in this country, right? They have contributed to the rise of fascism. They have supported the takeover of this nation by a fascist dictator. I understand a lot of them were ignorant. They chose to be willfully ignorant. I understand a lot of them come from a background where they are taught to deny their own intuition, to subvert their own will, to listen to and unconditionally obey what an authority figure is telling them. I know that so many of these folks go to churches that are telling them that Donald Trump is God's anointed, that he has God's favor, that he is doing the Lord's work. I understand the heaviness, the intense pressure, the hard sell of the subcultures that these folks belong to, and I understand the strength of character that it takes in that context to admit that you were wrong and say, "I shouldn't have done this, and I'm sorry."
[5:11] But I would encourage all of those mostly white women creators who are telling this young woman, "It's okay, girl. We forgive you. Everybody makes mistakes": this was not a mistake. And it doesn't really matter that there were extenduating circumstances and indoctrination. Doesn't matter that somebody caused great harm without understanding the full depth and breadth of the trauma and the suffering they would inflict by supporting this regime.
I know I have brought it up many times since the election and it continues to be one of the most relevant books when we are discussing people leaving MAGA, when we are discussing people deconstructing from Trumperism, when we are discussing how it is that we fold these folks back into society, and that book is called The Sunflower by Simon Visenthal. It is an incredibly important and relevant book in these times.
The subtitle of the book is "On the Possibilities and Limits of Forgiveness." It is a book about a young Nazi soldier who is dying and he wants to be forgiven the sins that he committed in the Holocaust. But he is asking forgiveness of somebody who is not his victim. And the question that is being posed to all kinds of faith leaders and philosophers in this book is who has the right to extend forgiveness, and what does it mean to extend forgiveness and what does it mean to ask for forgiveness?
[6:35] And I know I've said this in other videos and I just I think it's so important to continue to reiterate it when we're looking at ex-Maga. I appreciate their apology. I appreciate their contrition. I appreciate that they have realized how much harm they've caused and that they want people to know they no longer support the things that they once voted for. Really important.
But at the same time, if we are not the injured party, do we have a right to forgive? And also, there's so much more to earning forgiveness, working to be forgiven, than just saying, "I'm sorry."
[7:12] I know in evangelical Christian culture it's like if somebody says "I'm sorry", it's like, "oh, we forgive you! That's what Jesus would do!" Other religions don't view it that way. But also I personally think if somebody is truly truly sorry for what they've done, they need to work to repair the harm that they've inflicted.
If somebody voted for Donald Trump and they now realize that they were wrong, [if] they now are asking you to forgive them, they need to demonstrate changed behavior. They need to now go volunteer for a Democratic campaign in the midterms. They need to commit to evangelizing on behalf of democracy and against the fascist regime of Donald Trump to all of the people in their subculture, in their community, all of the MAGA that they know. They need to go actively work for immigrants rights. They need to contribute financially to organizations like the ACLU, to progressive Democrats in the midterms, to organizations that are engaged in mutual aid for all of the people who are suffering because of what MAGA has done.
[8:27] It takes a measure of risk to get on the internet and say, "I'm so sorry. I regret my vote for Donald Trump." Yeah. And we want to acknowledge that they have taken that risk. We want to acknowledge the work that is done. We want to acknowledge how hard it is to take that first step on that journey. Absolutely true. But at the same time, they need to put their money where their mouth is.
They need to work to repair the harm that they have done. They need to work now. They need to sacrifice now. They need to demonstrate changed behavior because at the end of the day, words are cheap. People are suffering and dying. Now, if you truly understand the ramifications of what you have supported and what you have done, you must work to fix it.
[9:10] So, to that young woman and any other person who has left MAGA, who has taken that first step on your deconstruction journey: I applaud you. That's wonderful, that's wonderful. If your conscience is eating you up? If you have loads of regrets? The best way you can work to find peace in your heart, to find peace with the people you have harmed, is to get to work – fixing it. Because there's so much work for everybody to do. Join the resistance. Yep, come join the party. Yeah, we'll take you. We are a safe landing spot. We have lots of work for you to do here.
I am too full of feelings to work today.
I've been slacking lately, and the work that only I can do is building up. Which is just another thing to stress about.
The feelings today are about seeing the Zillow link for my grandparents' house, now up for sale. Just looking at the photos last night and the little "3d tour" that let me more or less walk around it again...I miss it so much.
And I'm really sad I can't go back to help my aunts (not my mom, who limits her involvement to continual refusals to be involved with this process at all while gripping about it constantly) clear it out.
I can so clearly imagine D and I flying back, him renting a car again, and just spending a few days doing some heavy lifting for my body and no doubt for my emotions too. It feels so plausible and easy. But it's also so distant because it's so impossible.
We're getting toward late summer, a time of year that will never feel right to me without a week of being around corn taller than I am, root beer floats, county fairs, black diamond watermelons, the fluffy summer clouds and the starry summer nights under wide horizons.
And every single time I went back I visited my grandparents' house, the roses next to the garage, the yard where I played so much as a kid... Where we spent every Christmas Eve, the adults playing cards until after midnight. Where we had to stay that summer when my mom was so sick she wasn't allowed to be far from the hospital and then I (6 years old I think) got chicken pox and my brother (who would have been 4) got some kind of intestinal bug and my grandma had to look after all of us. Where I listened to so many baseball games on the radio with my grandpa.
I knew every time I visited might be the last time I'd see my grandparents or then my grandma. But I never thought I'd visit that house for the last time without even knowing it.
Reading. ( Wells, Lister, Tufte, Brosh, McMillan-Webster )
... I also technically started reading a little bit of Descartes, and more around Descartes, for the pain project -- but really not very much as yet.
Playing. A round of Hanabi with A & houseguest! We were playing with very different House Norms which led to some hilarious miscommunication, but A Good Time Was Had.
A good time was also had following the toddler around a playground, including some time On A Swing where we worked out How Legs Do. :)
Cooking. Several Questionable loaves of bread (mostly "too much liquid, ergo puddle"). Three more recipes from East, none of which were particularly interesting to us. (Piccalilli spiced rice; Sodha's variant on egg fried rice; a tempeh-and-pak-choi Situation.)
And Ribiselkuchen! I have been very very happily eating Appropriately Seasonal Ribiselkuchen.
Eating. A made us waffles for breakfast this morning. I had them with SLICED STRAWBERRIES and SLICED APRICOT and MAPLE SYRUP and also LEMON JUICE and VANILLA SUGAR and I was very happy about all of this.
Making & mending. It is Event Prep Week. There are so many potions.
Growing. ... I got some more supports in for my beans? I have just about managed to break even on the sugar snap peas this year (should NOT have eaten the handful I did...) and might yet manage to do a little better than that, with luck.
Squash starting to produce female flowers (yes I was late starting them). More soft fruit (which desperately needs processing; I will be sad if I wind up needing to just compost the jostaberries that have been sat in the fridge for ...a while, now). Many many tomatoes, none of which were actually ripe yet last time I actually made it to the plot...
Observing. Peacock butterfly at the plot! Tawny owl (audio only)! Bats (ditto)! The Teenage Magpie Persists!
Also a variety of awkward teenage waterfowl in Barking Park, along with a squirrel who was most unimpressed when our attempts to feed it mostly involved accidentally handing it an empty half-peanut-shell. It made it very clear (well before any of us had independently noticed The Issue) that it understood we were willing to feed it but that we were doing a terrible job at this and Should Try Harder. I was delighted.
This morning I read something attributed to Agatha Christie:
As life goes on, however, it becomes tiring to keep up the character you invented for yourself, and so you relapse into individuality and become more like yourself every day. This is sometimes disconcerting for those around you, but a great relief to the person concerned.
I've been watching people at the more recent stages of leaving bad marriages and seeing them tell themselves or be told the same things I was told when that was me: I look forward to seeing who you will become is what I remember from this time.
And...I appreciate I have literally transed my gender since then. And gotten my first white-collar job. But...I also feel like I haven't changed. I am still bad at relaxing, at having hobbies and I fear this is because enjoying my free time requires more self-driven impulse than I seem to have (except in circumstances where it's terribly inconvenient, I have many and strong impulses there!).
The idea of "relapsing into individuality" is so interesting to me because this makes it sound so easy that overcoming it takes work. Divorce gave me every license to shed "the character I invented for myself," but I just feel like I don't have anything left once I did.
I don't exactly feel bad about this, but I do feel curious about it.
(I have also made two extremely questionable loaves of bread -- the soda bread I managed to leave out half the flour, which meant it was... not quite inedibly salty, but... definitely Really Quite; the sourdough was just too high a hydration and Wanted To Be A Puddle -- and sent a couple of e-mails I was avoiding. And ordered a Small Treat.)